Speaking out two years after the gay sex scandal, evangelical pastor Ted Haggard said his sexual identity is complex and can’t be put into “stereotypical boxes.” He said that his relationship with his wife is stronger than ever. Those close to Haggard credit his wife’s recent ‘make-over’ with strengthening the relationship.

Meth-head Ted

Insiders report that Haggard’s wife, Gayle, recently underwent penile implant surgery. That, coupled with a new flat-top haircut, has really spiced things up between the pair, close associates say. “Gayle has really taken to the role,” friends say. “She really likes treating Ted like the bitch.”

The Reverend Minister Mofohammad Johnson, rumored to be the new spiritual advisor to the Haggards, said he felt confident that a man sucking dick was not a sin against God, as long as the dick belonged to the man’s wife. Johnson walked out of our interview when asked whether or not Ted swallowed.

After eight years of a Republican President, who had a Republican Congress for six years… and a chicken-shit Democrat controlled Congress for two years… In other words –after eight years of Republican Rule… and the resulting financial chaos… the only voters who would support John McCain were the Super Rich, the Super Rich Wannabes, and the Family Values Voters™. The focus of this post is the Family Values Voters™ (FVVs)… we’ll deal with the others later.

The FVVs were slow to support John until he picked the Wasilla Pit Bull to be his running mate –

because she is a born again, snake-shaking, hand-waving, loud and proud member of the GOP/Christian Death Cult ™ and because she repeats the mantra – Family Values™.

Continued…