Family Values – You Betcha!

After eight years of a Republican President, who had a Republican Congress for six years… and a chicken-shit Democrat controlled Congress for two years… In other words –after eight years of Republican Rule… and the resulting financial chaos… the only voters who would support John McCain were the Super Rich, the Super Rich Wannabes, and the Family Values Voters™. The focus of this post is the Family Values Voters™ (FVVs)… we’ll deal with the others later.

The FVVs were slow to support John until he picked the Wasilla Pit Bull to be his running mate –

because she is a born again, snake-shaking, hand-waving, loud and proud member of the GOP/Christian Death Cult ™ and because she repeats the mantra – Family Values™.

Mitt Romney had her beat by a mile in my opinion. Mitt could make you believe that any problem we faced as Americans could be solved by applying Family Values™. But unfortunately, he’s Mormon – and though Mormons are Morons, not all Morons are Mormons. Matter of fact, some Morons hate Mormons. So while all Mormons (being Morons) will vote for Morons (Mormon or not) – not all Morons will vote for a Mormon Moron. It’s a complicated matter… so I will digress…

So my question has always been – what the hell are Family Values™ specifically? Politicians are vague, so getting the meaning from context can be tricky… maybe we should ask Jesus.

Transcript:

Jesus – Hello.

Max – Whazzup?

Jesus – Nothing much Max. How’s the cough?

Max – Better. Thanks. Hey dude, I was wondering if I might get some information from you.

Jesus – Ask and you shall receive Max.

Max – Sweet. When politicians say Family Values™, what do they mean?

Jesus - You shall know them by their fruits.

Max – Ahhh Ted Haggard. I see…

Jesus - Not gay fruits Max. Let me ask you, do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?

Max – uhhh… people don’t really “gather” grapes anymore. I think they use machines… or Mexicans.

Jesus – well…

Max – besides that – have you never heard of “gender neutral?” Jesus! Women can gather grapes too.

Jesus – Well, I say unto you that I meant mankind. That includes men and women.

Max – Fair enough. My bad.

Jesus – Let me put it this way… Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.

Max – You’re telling me to look at their families… and see what their kids are up to… and that’ll tell me what kind of Family Values™ they are applying at home.

Jesus – and…

Max – And, that will tell me what kind of Family Values™ I can expect them to apply to the country.

Jesus – Correctamundo.

Max- Thanks Jeez! You da man!

Jesus – Glad to help. I love you.

Max – Love you too. Peace.

Jesus – Peace.

So what kind of fruit have we got falling from the Palin family tree? Turns out that her teenage daughter was not only fornicating… but she was fornicating with the son of the local drug dealer.

What is it with conservatives and Oxycontin™?

The thought of a church full of people falling out of the pews, doped up on Oxy, fornicating and such – it’s enough to make you want to get out on Sunday… especially if you knew which church the Olsen twins attended.

Of course, the super rich conservatives do their Oxy-fornication in third-world countries where they have access to children. Ain’t that right Rush? Of course it is – Rush is right.

I considered joining the GOP to support Ron Paul… but I’m not a big fan of addictive prescription drugs. The fornication, I don’t mind so much… but I have a problem with being addicted to a chemical supplied by the same man who tells me God’s drugs are bad.

So the definition of Family Values™ grows to include Fornication and Addiction.

Until the next trip…

Max Tussin